


Of The Fear Of Flying

by Romennim



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Flying, Introspection, M/M, Multi, POV Second Person, Phobias, Threesome - M/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-27
Updated: 2013-10-27
Packaged: 2017-12-30 15:18:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1020249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Romennim/pseuds/Romennim
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When you think about flying, all you can do is feel fear, pure and utter fear.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Of The Fear Of Flying

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Italiano available: [Sulla Paura Di Volare](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1022084) by [Romennim](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Romennim/pseuds/Romennim)



> **Beta:**[](http://writer-klmeri.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://writer-klmeri.livejournal.com/) **writer_klmeri**    
> 

When you think about flying, all you can do is feel fear, pure and utter fear.

When you try to think rationally about it, as a grown man, as a doctor, as a space psychologist damnit, you can easily pinpoint when your phobia was born. And it's really not surprising, almost logical that it did, as a dear pointy-eared bastard would say. You were five years old when it happened. Your father had finally agreed to take you home with him for the holidays: usually you stayed with your grandparents during the year since your father was so busy with his work, but that year you had convinced him to take you with him and you were so happy at the idea to see where your father lived, worked, that your natural, slight apprehention at the idea of flying for the first time faded away, leaving space only for your eagerness. But you were late, and you arrived at the spaceport only to see your transport take off through the huge glass windows. You still remember very clearly what you thought, what you felt.. Just once, just once couldn't your father have been on time? Now who knows when..

And then you saw in the sky an explosion of light, and then fire. The aircraft was gone, leaving only a blaze. And you just stood there, transfixed, heart in your throat, because you were little, but you knew exactly what that fire meant; and then another thought began to run insistently in your head: you - your father and you - should have been on that aircraft, you should have been there in that fire, should have _been_ that fire.

After that nothing could convince you to step on a aircraft. You were so out of yourself, so shocked that your father agreed to take one of the last land transport that still existed on Earth. You were grateful, but in hindsight you still can't say if your father did well or not in indulging you. Would you have been different now if your father had tried harder to convince you and had succeeded? You really can't say.

You don't know, you really can't remember what you felt about the idea of flying before the incident. You don't know if you spent hours watching the stars, yearning for them, hoping to fly towards them, like Jim did, or if you were only curious because you hadn't experienced it, like Spock when he was a boy. You don't remember, as if the shock of that day had erased everything related to flying before the event that has irreparably molded your idea on the subject.

During the years after that event your father, even busier than before, never thought about your fear, foolishly thinking that your deep rejection of the idea of flying was just a temporary thing, something that with time would have resolved itself. That was not the case, but he never said anything to your grandparents and since the opportunity to go again with him never presented itself again, the subject was forgotten, but surely not by you. You dreamed for a long time of explosions and light and burning bodies. During the difficult days of your childhood, sometimes it was your father burning. You never said anything, though, and only hoped that in your life you wouldn't need to take an aircraft ever again.

Sadly, you had to a few times, and always before a catastrophe happened in your life. You had to take a flight to rush to your father's side when he got ill, you had to take one when Jocelyn suddenly decided to leave. It hadn't been easy at all, but with a few drugs you had enough courage to step onto those traps.

Ironically with those experiences, your phobia changed; you began to associate the idea of flying to an impending emotional wreck; for you flying became to be like jumping in the dark and waiting to be destroyed by pain, because after your father's death, after your awful, heartbreaking divorce, you were surely broken somehow. Flying just didn't seem so frightening anymore: surely it could have given you a faster and less painful death that all those experiences almost did. And sometimes you did even wonder if you weren't really already dead inside.

When things began to change, at first you didn't even notice. Your emotional healing was something so subtly done that you didn't realize what was happening until your feelings became so tangled and strong that you couldn't suppress them anymore. Jim and Spock, with their friendship, with their respect, with their trust in you, as a doctor first, then as a person, had healed, with patience and time, the deep wounds left by the other people in your life that you had loved.

You foolishly thought things would go on as always, your friendship just deepening even more. You never thought about the fact that your feelings could be requited, and deep down you hoped they were not, because as much as you were healed you didn't feel as if you could take more risks, or jump once more. You honestly thought you couldn't.

But when they confronted you and you saw that deep certainty in their eyes, their profound and unshakable belief that everything would go all right, when Jim touched your arm and distracted you from the sudden images of light and fire in your head and said, "Bones, trust us, we won't let you fall," as if he could read you, you realized how deeply they really knew you, and that maybe you could really trust them too.

Suddenly the idea of jumping, of flying between them, backed by them, didn't seem so crazy or frightening anymore, but oddly amazing. And so you jumped.

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on February 26th, 2011


End file.
